Protect marriage … from straight people

Photo by Malena Bell

As homosexual marriage spreads state by state, everyone knows the struggle is far from over. Now Americans must speedily unite to ban the unholy unions of … straight people.

Why? Tradition, of course. This land was first settled by Native Americans who recognized marriages of homosexual Berdache Indians. Native Americans tolerated heterosexual relationships but issued no marriage licenses to straight Indians.

Another reason is parenting. Raising kids is an important function of marriage but heterosexuals’ high divorce rate consigns millions of children to one-parent homes. This failure cannot be tolerated. All kids deserve two parents.

Then there’s procreation. Some heterosexual couples have no children. If this continues, the human race could die off.

How about the economy? If straight marriages remain legal, companies that provide health care to employees and their opposite-sex spouses will pay skyrocketing costs. We can’t afford to let just anybody get hitched.

And isn’t this a democracy? Polls show Americans’ support for gay marriage rights steadily increasing, so let the voters decide whether to define marriage as a union of two men or two women. There’s nothing wrong with putting a group’s constitutional rights to a majority vote.

We must pass this change as a constitutional amendment to protect against activist judges, like the Supreme Court justices who banned school segregation.

Don’t forget decency. Straight people openly touch and kiss each other in public, imposing their lifestyle on everyone. Opposite-sex marriage only encourages this lewd behavior.

Which leads to fidelity. From Thomas Jefferson to Newt Gingrich, American heterosexuals are notorious cheaters. If not stopped, these horny perverts will soon demand legalization of polygamy.

Finally, consider religion. Adam and Eve committed original sin by eating forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. She talked him into it, the Bible says, so it wouldn’t have happened to Adam and Steve.

In conclusion, defining marriage is not discrimination. It’s a free country and straight people will always be free to shack up together and even get civil unions. This isn’t about intolerance. It’s about protecting marriage.

KQED, 2008